Who To Blame For Donald Trump

We've been too kind, we...of sound minds and bodies. The water of degradation made to roll off our backs, while brainless, mouth breathing fools spout bullshit about "freedom", "immigration", "gun rights" and "big government" while using phrases pumped into and preached to them by money grubbing tubs of shit and witless women.

We figure, it's best to not bolster the situation. Let it settle down by letting her/him mouth off , despite it not making sense or inaccurate and change the subject. Let it go.

No more.

Blech.

I've become sick of these yammering dick holes and their emotion fueled fact lacking blather. Now, because of the shameless mockery they've made of a once heralded, world leadership position. I take the fight to them. We should all take the fight to them. Directly. No more nice words.

No more.

 They're fucking idiots and I'm tired and angry. Extremely angry. Wretched, self-under informed, uneducated dip shits have thrown the United States under the bus. A bus headed for oligarch plutocracy because they're too lazy to read. Too stupid to educate themselves.

"We should talk, so as to understand our differences.", I've been hearing. "It's because they weren't listened to, We need to hear them out." No. Fuck them.

Idiots who take any misguided, pseudo information thrown at them by anyone claiming authority and brainlessly spout and act on it without actually fact checking it don't deserve "listening" when they, themselves don't listen.

These pricks have failed the United States and themselves. Why you ask? How? Ask them. Chances are...they don't know either. They'll get all charged up, and talk about things relevant to themselves and some imagined fear. However,...they should know a few things about their decision regarding their poor reasoning and to them, I say, "You've been duped by more than your self imposed illiteracy and dulled critical thinking, morons. Your own candidate has sold you out and will keep doing it. Here's how, stupid asses..."

There Won't Be A Wall

(pictured: The closest thing  you'll get to an actual Trump Wall)

He was stupid to say it and Trump supporters were completely stupid to believe it. However, there won't be a wall, dolts. Donald "Dumb Shit" Trump's newly minted mouth piece Newt "I Go Where The Money Is" Gingrich said...no wall. It was just to get votes. Trump supporters votes...and they bought in.  Why? Because they're suckers.

http://www.express.co.uk/news/world/731203/us-president-elect-donald-trump-wall-controversy-latest

There Won't Be A 

Hillary Clinton Prison Sentence

"Hillary in prison. 

Is your dick as hard as mine, fella?"

      Good god. Nothing screams, "Just stop it. Sit down, you're an idiot." than the "Hillary should be in jail!" argument. Anyone who has read actual facts regarding any of it, realizes that several government committees (headed by Republicans) and the F.B.I after months upon months of investigating have cleared her of everything. Anyone with even a passing chance at brain activitiy knows that there isn't a prison sentence in her future. 

Still, Trump's "Dropped Repeatedly On Their Heads As Infants" supporters don't seem to take actual reality into consideration when thinking about...well, any fucking thing (that as history tells us is up to and including voting for a president). 

Well, dip shits, your boy, Heir Trump has backed out of that too. Why? Because his very being screams lying douche and has...for some time. However, it should be noted that whomever voted for him is an idiot; a total grade-A fucking idiot...so, of course they'd miss the cues.

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/22/us/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-investigation.html?_r=0

Obamacare

This is what fetal alcohol syndrome turns into.

     It's hard to think about these...fucking people without momentarily pausing and injecting "stupid mother fuckers" at odd intervals while deliberating. It happens more often when thinking about "Obamacare" and these...stupid mother fuckers as it has been the single continuous thorn that Trump's ilk bitch about. 

How many times must it be said that its the same fucking healthcare policy that Republican, conservative Mitt Romney came up with for Massachusetts? Ah, the number is incalculable because...holy shit. Telling that bunch an actual fact is like fist fucking a bowling ball.

Why is it like that? Oh, right...they don't read about the policies they complain about. Forgot.

By the way, Trump backed out of that too. You stupid, stupid pricks.

http://www.wsj.com/articles/donald-trump-willing-to-keep-parts-of-health-law-1478895339

What a bitch.

Oh, there is so much more, so much more.

You voted in a fraud, fuckers. A misogynist, brain dead reality show star with rice paper skin that is going to sell you to the highest bidder and tell you to love it. *ding, ding ding!* You will too, because ...you've been doing it this long...why not? You're too afraid of shadows and too lazy to learn. Now, we will all suffer. The popular majority that didn't vote for that incredibly nauseating ass hat, suffers.

I'm fiery about it. Clinton wasn't a great choice either, but by millions and millions of miles a better choice than...whatever in the fuck we're going to get now.

Will I "unite"? No. Trump's band of smart-less wonders never did (remember the birther tripe?, the horrendous disrespect? the blatant racism?). Will I give him a chance? Oh, no, no, no...neither he, nor whomever voted him in deserves one. No.

Instead, I'll stand and loudly proclaim every wrong he commits and ask...why? Every idiot phrase that chirps from his weak mind, I will demand and answer for it. I will shout it at every simple minded half wit that voted for him. Why? When met with idiotic, directionless emotion, I will throw the facts at them, repeatedly over and over again...and demand a reason.

His mistakes are both his...and theirs. They will own that fucking asshole every step of the way.

He's not my president. He should never have been one. I have more respect for the office than that. Unfortunately, a quarter of America didn't feel the same...and now, their inability to apply critical thinking to relevant information and applying that important decisions has fucking failed them and affected us all.  Well...fuck them. Solidly. Fuck them.

Cheers.

Donald Trump For President? or "How An Idiot Got This Far And Why We Should Stop Him"

      Lately I've been trying to put a novel together.  It's supposed to be a funny, controversial religious story that mentions penises way more than any book rightfully should.  It just seems like a story that was begging to be told.  So far, it's going semi-well.  There are times when I'm overwhelmed, want to peel my face off and drink my own piss than write something, but alas, I feel I'll prevail.  Then, I can enter the hallowed halls of novelists that never sold a word.

I'll put up a few chapters of it when I feel it's not complete garbage.  That's not what this is all about however.  It's just what I've been doing during the time that this happened...

(Google says that every picture looks like this.)

What the fuck, America?  Did you drink gasoline while falling stairs or something?  What in the fucking fuck happened here?  I mean, I drop out for a bit, left you alone and this fucking guy happens?  You didn't have to go and do this..  Is this your way of getting back at me?  One of those by hitting yourself in the head, you make me feel bad, kind of things...except...with a baseball bat made of stupid?

Why are you letting this dip shit speak speak any word further than "You're fired!" on a show no one cares about?  Why is he allowed to fondle podiums and wince/smile during debates?  And you're letting him do what?  Run for President of The United fucking States of all things.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  So ashamed you should be sobbing.  To let a travesty like this happen, you should be crying and saying sorry.  Seriously.

(sigh)  I...I get it, United States.  Well, not ALL of the United States but, SOME of the U.S.  (I think we know who I'm talking about.)  I'm going to go a little 'V for Vendetta' here and say: "I know why you did it.  I know you were afraid." , but fuck nuts in a hand basket, US of A.  Did you have to let a functionally retarded inheritance baby get this far?  I mean, I'm kind of proud that everyone didn't fall for the Jeb Bush set up.  I mean, they OBVIOUSLY wanted him to be the nominee.  Why else would they put him between two wack jobs like Cruz and Trump on a stage?  I thought flanking that laugh riot with the obligatory white woman and black man (Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson) to show how "diverse" they were was a nice touch.  I digress...

What the fuck, America?!

By letting this Trump shit bag this far in...(sigh), you're only going to encourage his ilk to try this dumb shit again.  With this guy, it won't be long before he's tossing catch phrases at people who can ACTUALLY affect your way of life and bomb the ever lovin' fuck out of it.

 

There is still time to turn back

Alright, let's try talking you back to sanity...and maybe make America great again...

Let's talk about where it all went goofy...okay?  I promise, we won't go back that far...

The Gipper Screwed Us

 

Yep.  Fucked us pretty hard he did...and without a touch of lube. Ouch.

      I know that doddering old fella looked harmless, but with his "supply-side economics" (or "Reaganomics"), he set us on a course for shoeless summers and breadless winters.  Though not all of us, mind you, just the poor...and middle class...and anyone who doesn't already have millions of dollars.  His "voodoo economics" so unbalanced the budget that he created a multi-trillion dollar debt legacy: e.g. $1,763,884,000,000 in his 8 years, $1,469,243,000,000 in Bush’s, totaling $3.2 trillion (a 346% increase from the $934,073,000,000 debt left by President Carter to Reagan)

Yep, the Ronald and his crew threw their pee-pee in the middle-class's/poor's backside and rode it to Trickle Down Town, stripping the lower classes of reasonable healthcare, education, worker's rights and upward mobility along the way, bless his dumb assed heart.  He was only a snitch actor who helped Joseph Mccarthy accuse people of being communist.  He didn't know any better.

Oh...and this guy

 

If only you knew what your son was going to do. Yeesh.

No new taxes horseshit and trashing bi-partisanship?  Failed at preventing a Kuwait invasion and...added $1,042,000,000,000 to the U.S. debt.  What a shit head.

Cum again?

Billy boy help set the stage by screwing us out of Glass Steagall that lead to an economic catastrophe and of course...getting  a beejer from a star fucker.  Dumb bastard.

Is that a plane hitting the World Trade--Ooo...a squirrel.

      Holy shit!  This fucking guy.  He trashed the economy, tossed us into a war and then gave his buddies a huge payout courtesy of tax payers as he left office...all while giving us all the finger.  Plus, he did it all while not being able to form a coherent sentence without stuttering or coming off like a mentally defective dip shit.  This fuckin' guy should have been our first clue that "The Right" have had a glue sniffing problem for a while.

Executive Action:  It's 5 o'clock EVERYWHERE

      Obamacare, that didn't go far enough.  No prosecutions for the big bank blow up.  Plus, he's partially black, which scares all the old white folks.  While it's true he was up against a Congress of equally scared old white men, he deported more people than what history will show to be one of our worst presidents (George W. "What The Fuck Just Happened?!" Bush), so meh to him. MEH I SAY!

      So, I could see why the "right-wingers" are a little over zealous.  If had only been this build up, we might have had to deal someone like Newt Gingrich.  Instead, "righties" go all Trump with it.  Maybe it's because they need to...

Stop Believing Everything Rush Limbaugh And His Ilk Tell You




One of these fellas is a complete dumb ass, 
the other two wish they were half that smart.  
You decide who is who.

      I'll admit, I listen to their shit.  I'm not proud, but it's entertainment for me.  It gets me riled up and pissed off, sometimes enough to do research to find out how completely fucking wrong all of them are about everything.  It's just entertainment however, as literally everything they say is contradicted in one way or another at least one or two minutes later.  

      Where they drove the right-wing nut jobs is directly into the arms of a complete waste of a human being called Donald Trump.  How?  By playing their audiences like muppets, is how.  Were the conservatives racists before?  Yeeeaahhhhweeell...kinda, sorta.  You couldn't really pin it directly ON that, but now?  Yeah.  It's because Rush and his clones made it okay to hate everyone that wasn't rich and white.  They dumbed down the economic minutiae, diplomatic bi-partisan communication and social applications of government to "us versus them".  And they did it just to make money.

      How can anyone with a functioning brain not decipher these huckster dip shits for what they are?  They're shock jocks who figured out that if you say enough horrific wrongly wrong things, tell people it's about politics and you'll get an audience out of it.  Either stupid asses that take what they say as gospel, the other side who takes everything they say as a personal defamation or people that like to hear rich white with microphones people puff on cigars while abusing prescription drugs (I'm lookin' at you Rush.) make up their money market.

      Do not listen to these blatantly fuck headed assholes.  You're only doing a disservice to Republicans, but (as you can see with Trump and Cruz) a disservice to the U.S.  Well, unless you can tell that they're really loud mouthed, carnival barkers who peddling shitty home security systems/herbal Viagra/pillows to make a quick buck, then light a cigar, pop some Oxycontin and chuckle for a few hours.  Let the anger flow.

There are a group of people who ignored the slew of bad omens, ignored all the signs and listened intently to dumb asses.  Now, we have this fuckin' guy:

 
This is where they say my brain should be. What do they know?  
They're losers.
 I'll prove them wrong by making Mexico buy me one!

      The claim is that, The Donald, has made it this far to send a message to "The Establishment".  It's the wrong message, unfortunately.  It's a message that screams, "We want an unqualified, egotistical bigoted moron to represent us as a people...on the planet Earth."  And "The Establishment" could care less (they're still trying to figure out why Jeb Bush didn't work out)...it's the whole world is hearing it instead.  Everyone.  Sure you can prattle on about how much you don't care what the world thinks, but everyone knows you do.

Seriously?  The guy couldn't keep a casino open.  A fucking casino.  You know...the "business" we're all comfortable with taking our money...openly...for fun?  He dicked that up.  He dicked up running a place that takes people's money for THEIR enjoyment and entertainment.

      It's time to stop acting stupid, America.  It's time to be great again and tell wind bag dumb asses like Trump to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up and send the right message to "The Establishment" and the world...which is..."We're sorry, our political parties are out of touch at the moment.  If you leave leave your name and number, we'll get back to you...once we've slapped their stupid asses back into reality.  Thank you for your patience."

My Some What Life Without Facebook

Alright, so I've been busy.  I've been procrastinating a good deal and have been dealing with "issues" (most of which I've had for the better part of a lifetime). Plus, I've been writing-ish...a book.  It's about dying in a comic fashion, not getting into Heaven, then, breaking into Heaven with the help of lesbians...and masturbation.  I know what you're thinking...

Best seller, amiright?  

In that time of writing, procrastination and "issues", I've dumped out of social circulation.

For over a year and some change...off and on, I've lived without Facebook. I know, I know...I'm insane, right? It's unthinkable to be out of all seeing eye of the Internet for that long. It's reckless. According to 99% of humanity, its akin to trimming pubes with a hot iron attached to a speeding train.

I survived to tell the tale and have come out of the other side a newer, fatter, slightly less enlightened version of myself.

Here are a few tidbits I've managed to accomplish and things I've learned between my normal bouts of masturbating while sobbing uncontrollably. Obviously.

You Have A Lot More Time!

Facebook eats your time like a fat kid

 at a bacon buffet

Did I get a lot of things done without Facebook? I think the answer is...KIND OF! Before, when I trolled through Facebook's offerings, I would zombie out in front of that ever expanding friend fed timeline thing and lose an entire day.

Without it, I built a guitar (several actually) and started two books. Though, whether I finish the books, who the fuck knows. Would I have even attempted to start that shit beforehand? No.

As it turns out, Facebook is a huge fucking time drain and it doesn't even have a pop up to warn you about it. That's fucked up, right?  If something was draining your life, minute by minute, drawing your attention away from potentially life enhancing things like...curing cancer or developing super powers, you'd want to know, right? Albeit, you'd probably be fucking pissed too.  Something standing between me and X-Ray vision?! What the fuck!

Yet, Facebook does it everyday.  It's probably doing it right now.  See what happens without it for a bit.  You'd be surprised.

You might think you'll miss out on a lot though.  People living their lives without you being tapped into it, yeah? Well, as it turns out...

Nothing Changed...really

Ignore the hand shaking...I don't know what the hell that means...

A year is a long fucking time or at least I thought it was until time froze or something. I left the magical book of faces only to come back to the exact same things.  People, as it happens, don't do much.  Well, that is to say, they don't do much when they have Facebook spewing phones and tablets at their disposal.  They more or less spin their wheels.

Forgive me, for I thought that with the passage of time came movement. Movement meaning, significant changes in one's situation, life and or hair color/style.

Who would have thought that without checking on whether an acquaintance's cat is sick or just pregnant, that there was room to do other things? As it would happen, the social media in general are severely counter-intuitive.  It's true.  While you're constantly checking on updates or interesting things others are doing, you're not doing anything interesting yourself.  Multiply that by everyone you're checking up on all the time and boom...nothing happens.  Fucking crickets.

Not That It Matters

 

Damn right, Calvin.

Maybe I'm just bitter, as I've always been kind of a downer person, but does anything on Facebook actually matter?

I mean, the parts of it that people tout as "useful" and "important" can easily be performed in ways that are easier to do.  Want to share pictures?  Send them to someone on your phone via text or something.  Want to send someone a message?  Send them a text or email or something like that directly.  What else is Facebook good for?  Oh, you're mentally listing them, so I'll cut to the chase...

Facebook isn't for sharing.  It's for our twisted entertainment, like Candy Crush or one of those other games I don't play except with real people.  It's amusement at the expense of your friends and family for your benefit.  Don't think so?  Tell me about all the times you scrolled past some acquaintance's kid because, fuck that person's kids or all those goofy Right-wing/Left-wing memes because, fuuuuck politics, no one cares they're sooooo boring.  Right?  That is exactly the kind of shit that's in the way of a Facebook tiff between two potential divorcees that you've been meaning to follow up on...secretly.  

No one makes their way through a timeline to check out a 6 year old's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.  Well, unless you're a long distant relative who has a passing interest as to whether that kid is looking more and more like the guy/girl the mother/father cheated on the mother/father with. 

More or less... 

All in all, I kind of miss it, though I didn't participate a lot.  Still, being in contact with everyone was helpful, to some degree, still I've managed to greatly reduce the mental white noise Facebook seems to generate in everyone's lives.  Though, I can't say that I haven't found alternatives to the habit forming draw that social media provides. It would seem that I've substituted smack for PCP (or some drug abusing shit like that).  I've become a Quora bitch as of late, but in my own defense...I can't help it...the political questions are like crack.

Technology They Think We Need, But Are Actually F^cking Stupid

      Recently, I've noticed a trend of uselessness in products. There have always been useless "gadgets" and bullshit no one has needed, of course. Usually, time and demand sort out what works and what doesn't--what's needed and what's not. You would think that companies and people that build things would look back and compare their offerings to those that have failed in past. They don't, however, due to massive retardation in the ranks. Here are a few that are just completely fucking pointless, useless and all around horse shit. 

Curved Screens

 
Great now all of my porn is distorted. Thanks, OLED!

      I am the product of simpler times. Brought up on Pop Tarts and porn that had to be stolen; I looked forward to leaps and bounds in both technology and entertainment. I relished every new development and dreamed of an instant porn/Pop Tart world. Who didn't?

      Watching Star Trek when I was little, I remember thinking, "They have t.v.'s in their walls?! I want a t.v. in my wall. No. No, a t.v. as big as my wall. Pfff...what?! I want a movie theater, in my house. I want a mansion to put that theater in. I want the world. THE WORLD, CHICO AND EVERYTHING IN IT!"

      Now that we live in a future of free porn, robot blow jobs and flat screens. I can even order Pop Tarts and have them delivered. It would seem that the world was on the right track. Then, some dick head scientist thought, "Let's curve the fucking screens, because we can." and slowed the whole works. 

Unfortunately, asshole scientist/engineers never bothered to ask if we gave a shit. If they had we could have told them, "No. What are you stupid? Cure cancer already."

      Curved screens are pointless. Anything you watch on it is unwatchable from any angle other than straight on. Who would benefit from that? The asshole who takes the center seat on a couch (meaning, douche bags), is who.

      No one knowingly takes the center seat except morbidly fat people and douche bags. One group can't help it and the other consists of those voted "person most wanted dead in a drunken car wreck"

No one likes that person...not even their mother.

Companies, please stop trying to fix things that aren't broken. The same applies to smart phones.

Pictured: pointless curve

      Fancy as they are...curved phones serve no actual purpose. With the model pictures, the weird curve lights up with various news that you, a person who will be picking up the phone at least twelve times in a 10 minute period, will inevitably see. What's the fuckin' point? Ohhh...and that stylus, more on that later.

      Stop taking a perfectly good t.v./smart phone and making it harder to watch/use. It's like giving someone a cold glass of water on a summer day and trying to improve on it by throwing it against a tree and peeing on it.  

Internet In Cars

"Like" my twisted body wrapped around a tree or I won't get into heaven!

Okay, I get it. It's convenient to slap a tablet in your kid's hands, turn on Netflix and let technology liquefy/baby sit his brain, rather than stress yell your way into a fiery highway death. That's reasonable. If it's that big of a deal, get a mobile wifi hot spot, get that tablet on "The Flix" and off you go.

Your car shouldn't be telling you about Facebook messages. If you need it for that, the internet shouldn't be in your car. You need help. Nothing in your car needs to communicate with the internet...ever, especially while the idiot (i.e. YOU) behind the wheel has the car in motion.

      Relax, I'm an idiot too. I've texted while driving and am lucky to tell the tale. Texting convenience coupled with being an awful driver should have sent me skidding to the pearly gates years ago. I can't fathom what would have happened if I was able to simultaneously unfriend someone while searching for a legitimate snuff film...while driving.

You would all be dead.

Why the fuck do we need that in our cars?

Hasn't car Facebooking (My new word for Facebook shit in cars is Facarbooking), caused enough car wreckage?  If not for the sake of moronic driver judgement, than for the people riding with them, leave this shit out of cars, please, car companies!

It's horrible ideas like this and assholes like that, that keep us from flying cars. Can you imagine if these walking disasters with licenses were flying? It would rain blood.

Two Things On Your Phone At The Same Time



Twice the nudity for three times the price.

As my priest used to say, sometimes too much of a good thing is just...a fat bi-sexual. I never knew what she meant by that, but, I feel it applies here.

Doing two things at once on your tablet/cell phone/whatever is like pissing out a car window while driving. Yeah, you're taking care of two things at once, but, did you really fucking need to?

I have yet to meet the person that could justify pissing out that window, nor can I find someone who actively uses this "2 in 1" feature on their phone.

Who the hell is this designed for? 99% of humans use their phones to escape reality, not do twice the work in it. Most people would use this once and that would be to try to comment on two different Vines about farting...at the same time. They'd giggle about it, while everyone shoots a "you're so fantastically retarded, we're all amazed you live un-aided" look their way. The feature would never be used again.

The same goes for that dumb slapping your phone on someone else's and sharing shit. Who does that more than once and doesn't find it absurdly inconvenient and laughably idiotic? If you don't tell the nurse who looks after to you to take your phone away, because you can't be trusted with it.

Car Trunks That Open Automatically

This is a horror movie murder waiting to happen.

How lazy have we gotten, world? I'll be the first to admit how incredibly lazy I can be. I once chose to forgo a week of eating because the store was "way the fuck over there". So, I'm no stranger to laziness, but, come on, people. If you can't figure out how to get a cart, basket or THE GROUND to temporarily hold your "whatever in the shit you have to put in the trunk", you're too stupid to drive a car.

I've seen paralyzed people on muscle relaxers negotiate a closed trunk and never once was the phrase "Fuck! Of all the horse shit! If only they could make THIS small inane task easier, my life would be cake. FUCKING CAKE! Scientists and engineers, put aside solving actual, relevant problems and throw all your brain power at making the trunk easier to get into. Cancer and solving my irreparable nerve damage can wait." uttered. Not once.

I think we should be doing better things with our time, than waving our feet at bumpers for exactly the same amount of time it would have taken to open the trunk the old way.

Stupid Fucking Styluses

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you lose pens...

so, how about an even more useless pen, 

in any color of the rainbow?

      A while back, I read the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson. Other than being a lovely story about how big of an asshole Steve Jobs was, it also included a lot of anecdotes about Stevie's obsession with streamlining processes. Trimming the fat if you will. One of his small sticking points was styluses. He didn't like them. Actually...hell, why not let him tell you...

(Translation: styluses suck balls.)

      He's right! And if you have a phone or tablet that requires a stylus, rejoice! You've bought a horrible product. Write a letter to that company and tell them you want something better. Demand better and we might get it. Vote with your dollars people and make this horrible shit go away. Dammit.

Why There Will Never Be A Good Fantastic Four Movie

      Recently, the people in charge of movies decided to make another Fantastic Four movie. Unfortunately, it fucking sucks. It has, according to those in charge of criticizing movies, failed. They're trying to blame it's suck assedness on everything from the crew not getting along to black Human Torch which is not the problem at all. The real problem is the material. You can't and will never be able to make a Fantastic Four movie that doesn't suck major ass. Here's why:

Their Super Powers...

Is it just me or did Mister Fantastic raid Michael Jackson's Bad closet?

      I'll be the first to admit I was never a big fan of the Fantastic Four. I never had anything against the characters or anything; they just never appealed to me. They always seemed like the Partridge Family of comic books. Who the fuck wants to read a comic book about that? 

So, I never got into it and for all intents and purposes, probably never will. 

      Ah, right, right so now you might be thinking, "There's your reason, bitch! You're a hater. Four for life!" or something like that but, no. My not being a fan has nothing to do with it. I'd be more than open to a good Fantastic Four movie. There's just never going to be one. How do I know? I watch waaaaay too many movies and because of that. I know that all Fantastic Four movies will suck forever after.

      One of the problems being their powers. They're not movie friendly. That is...not CGI friendly...that is...dammit! All of their powers look ridiculous in a live action setting. Mister Fantastic stretches; you know who else stretches? The Mask...

And if you're not 6...it's retarded.

      It means that any time he works stretchy super hero magic, he looks like a floppy noodle or flaccid penis reaching out for love. It doesn't work as a life action, it just looks ridiculous, no matter how much computing power you throw at it. Rubber band super heroes don't work in modern movies. I'm sorry.

Neither does invisibility, a giant man made of rock or flames on anything...especially a person. They all come off looking hokey and poorly planned.

It's a family... 

 

Fantastic Four 2: Vacation In Hell 

      I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you a point blank question. Do you like any movies about families? I mean, other than say...National Lampoon movies, can you name one you seriously as an adult?

      You could make the argument that super hero "teams" become "family" as they go on rollicking around doing their good deeds and such, but that's more of a brothers in arms kind of relationship. The Fantastic Four are, short of The Thing, actually related. So, in essence it's like watching the Swiss Family Robinson, but with super powers.

Who the hell wants that?

The Bullshit Of Christmas ~ Vol. 2 ~ The Aftermath

      Having survived the Mayan apocalypse, Hale-Bopp and a slew of Kid's Choice Awards, I know a thing or two about aftermaths. For one, there are no spontaneous orgies. Believe me, I've tried. Two; you don't win at "finder's keepers" when one of you brings a loaded shot gun and three, everything is...and will be completely fucked up. Everything. 

That's why it's called "aftermath" heh, he...am I right? Math, Right? No, seriously...am I? 

What the fuck is an aftermath? Arithmetic's crack addicted, hooker cousin? The type...so shunned they can't show up at a funeral, until everyone has left...due to all the shame. FUCK YOU AFTER MATH! WHAT YOU DID KILLED PYTHAGORAS! (sob)broke his heart and...just killed him.

Sorry, I...went off on a tangent. It won't happen again. (sniffle)

Despite aftermath's dubious origins or forays into addiction, one aftermath drives us insane, year after year. Which one you ask? Mother fuckin' Christmas. Dammit.

The Bullshit Of Christmas

~ Vol. 2 ~

The Aftermath

The Tree

Run! It's being consumed by the spirit of Christmas!

      The day has come and gone. All the presents ripped apart and enjoyed the shit out of. Now, there is the wreckage to contend with. What do you do with this monstrous goddamn tree? It's been slowly dying since a snappy entrepreneur, cut it from mother nature's bosom and sold it to you at a rock bottom price. Now, it's sprinkling it's pine needled lovin' all over your fucking living room. What the shit do you do with this tree carcass? 

My suggestion...BURN IT! BURN IT ALL!

Man, do I like a good fire, especially when it's condoned...mostly. Who doesn't like the smell of wood burning? I'll tell you who. Communists. Communists and forest rangers.

Well, I suppose you wouldn't if it was your house either, but, still. 

      Regardless, a small tip for the festive pyros among us, if you do decide to set your tree ablaze in triumph of the most brutal of holidays ...burn it on your lawn as a warning to other trees that when it comes to corpse disposal, you mean business!

Just don't shape it into a crucifix, you don't want a mix of disgusted racist looks mingling with those of sheer terror. It's just confusing and ends with a lot of bricks hurled through your windows.

Tip for next year: Invest in a plastic tree.

The Lights

The lights represent...Jesus's...love of electricity?

Never in the history of celebrating intangible things, has their been a more dubious use of lighting than Christmas. I'm including funeral pyres and Fourth of July in that too. We've been sold on the idea that stapling strings of lights to things has something to do with baby Jesus being birthed into a manger filled with dead grass. 

You make the connection. 

      I will admit, that on some inner child level, I like Christmas lights. They bring an illusion of pleasantness, to what is normally just the poverty stricken area I call home. They bathe the drug dealers and prostitutes in a warm glow of Christmas festiveness and make the purchases from either that much more meaningful.

      After all the gawking and rainbow lighted hooking, what do you do with them? The faux pas route is to leave them up all year and slough it off as "preparation" for next year. I, on the other hand, see a far more useful way to deal with them. Why undo hours of hard work? All it takes is a little rearranging to make it useful all over again.

Fuck I love Christmas lights.

Tip for next year: Bat signal style spot light with baby Jesus in the middle. One light, one off switch. Done.

The Wrapping Paper

AKA The Jesus Fire Hazard

The wrapping of gifts in overly expensive paper is one of Christmas's special forays into Hell. Hours devoted to a task that takes mere seconds to rip apart. What's it worth really? A split second of wondering what the fuck it's covering? All in all, wrapping paper seems like little more than drawing out torture, tossed on a heap of tasks already lousy with pointlessness. 

Alas, that doesn't make the piles go away. What's a paper cut laden, half awake present wrapper to do?

      Well, I'm sorry, there's no saving you this year. If you're on board with the tree firing, I suggest wrapping that tree in a fit of vengeance and sending it back to heaven in a stream of flames. Next year is a different story, people! 

Leave the shit in the bags! Not only is it more convenient, but, it turns the wrapping problem into...get this...SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM!

 

Merry Christmas, bitch!

Tip for next year: Get everyone a star named after them. Can't be expected to wrap a star! Oh, and when you have no friends afterward, you won't need to wrap presents for them the year after!

Denouement

      Christmas and it's inevitable aftermath are, unfortunately, unavoidable. We'll have to continue with it's infernal madness until we either find a new Jesus or realize that we, as a people, can buy each other shit we don't need, year round. I hope I've been able to enlighten and enrich your after Christmas hangover with a few tips absolutely no one should take seriously. Thank you. 

Now watch a drunk Santa...

Why Stopping The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (#stoptheparade) Ultimately Failed.

      Today is Thanksgiving. A yearly excuse to over eat and loaf around watching athletic people bump into each other in search of a football. It's also the day that Macy's holds it's annual celebration of balloons too big to be tamed and lip syncing, The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Normally, this kind of thing goes off without a hitch. Well, with the exception of a few balloons have wandering off and the occasional world war its been pretty smooth sailing. That is...until today.

Ferguson protesters plan on disrupting and stopping the parade.

      It was doomed to fail of course and in all likelihood negated their message, but, as history has proven, you can't tell a hipster anything...because they're stupid and easily led. Tragically stupid. However, in the spirit of the holidays and goodwill toward horrifically misguided people. I'll try and tell you why the #stoptheparade movement failed and was ultimately flawed.

One Thing, Has Nothing To Do 

With The Other

      What happened in Ferguson is a confusing and awful thing. It has cast a dimly lit part of our society's racial insecurities and hatred in a brightly harsh light. It's held a mirror up to racial division and discrimination regarding those we've permitted to police us and we the people being policed. It's a divide which should not exist anywhere, especially among law enforcement. Yet, Michael Brown's death tells us all that we have a very long way to go, on both sides of the equation.

      Protesting what happened to Michael Brown is important for numerous reasons; perceived injustices should be voiced and should be heard and acknowledged...always. Whether it the truth or not doesn't matter, it's transparency and decency that matters. People should be treated the same, respectfully the same and shown dignity regardless of what they look like. 

If something is seen as wrong it should be shouted, loud and clear and something done about it and corrected. If it's right, the same thing. 

      Stopping a parade does nothing for any of that. It's simply seen as spoiled, misguided pseudo protesters doing something annoying to "protest" something they hardly understand themselves or hardly relate to. It's seen as that, because the parade and the killing are completely unrelated.

      What is more likely to happen? People that were intended to be engaged with the protest topic will instead be turned against it. Well, not against IT, but, against the protesters. People aren't going to care what you're protesting, they'll just not like YOU. Regardless...message lost.

Protesting an appropriate venue is almost important as what you're protesting, as it can also carry a message. Why not protest a "Policeman's Ball"? 

What Will Actually Happen?

      Arrests! Lots of arrests! Arrests before anyone ever gets close to stopping anything. Sure, you might, in the emptiest of thinking believe that those arrests are meaningful, but, lets face it, one arrested protester today, is one less protester tomorrow. 

The protested is more than likely to be relegated to some out of the way, obscured corner of the parade route to be ignored by just about everyone...everywhere. 

      Ah, but, what if by some miracle a disruption does happen? Well, then, every channel showing the parade does the same thing. They cut to commercial and none of it is seen or mentioned anyway. In fact, you end up helping the corporate machine (which will soon be lumped in with this whole mess, certainly) you're also protesting, in addition the initial protest (as always happens with these things, corporations, amiright?). 

      Then, every frustrated armchair supporter will take to the Twitter airwaves and yammer about "the media" stonewalling "the real message" and not showing what actually happened, which was actually nothing. How do you change all that? Change how you convey the message. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade isn't the place for it. Stage it on Darren Wilson's street.

You're Protests Are Pointless!

      I'm all for protesting. Social inequality is all around and for the foreseeable future, always will be. Fighting to change those things that hold us back is a great and noble cause. If done in the right way, it's always the right thing to do. 

However, trying to stop a parade that's been chugging along since 1924 is pointless...as pointless as the protest itself. Yes, I said exactly that. The protests are pointless and I'll tell you why. 

      In the 60's there were protests for voting and equal rights for black citizens. Numerous arrests, marches and demonstrations were executed to that end. There was an end game in the protesting: that was "equal rights". What is the Ferguson endgame? What is the focus? Is it the death penalty? Is it equal treatment by the police? To end racism?

      The frustrating difference between the protest movements of yesteryear and the kind pulled off today is the incredible lack of focus on display now. There isn't a clear reason given. Had the parade stopped and a reason was asked, there probably wouldn't be a concise answer. Actually, it would be something like "To protest the Michael Brown murder" or something as ambiguous. 

      Before attempting any large scale disruptions, maybe whittling what you're protesting down to something with an endgame would help. Equal treatment by all law enforcement with clearly spelled out consequences if found otherwise, might be a start. Hell, something more clearly delineated than that would be even better. Dammit, something! Instead of just saying, "We're protesting because of something awful that happened that involved racial implications!", try something meaningful.

Denouement

      Overall, protesting is a good thing, when it has a point and clearly recognized destination. If it's for retribution regarding the killing of Michael Brown that's fair, but, short sighted. Killings similar to his happen and are happening all the time. So? What's the point? Retribution for all of them? 

      Instead, finding appropriate venues to tie into a point driven, focused protest movement, whose goal is the changing of what leads to all of those horrible deaths, is a lot better. Protesting because it's trendy and sounds righteous is blindly serving nothing. It demonstrates empty rhetoric in physical form. Toss some meaning behind your protest, if everyone is so dedicated. Make it all fit. Paint a mural to immortalize the cause and struggle, the loss of life for such ignorant reasons. Ensure that deaths like these won't go unrecognized for what they are and will not be tolerated any more. Focus on the problem and not on a parade...

That has nothing to do with anything you're fucking talking about.

The NSA Is Too Stupid To Love You, I'm Afraid

      Yesterday, during a depression fueled drinking binge, I was going through my back pages of things left unfinished, as so often is in my life. Tears blurring my vision, while murmuring something about death's sweet release, I came across this; something I should have posted long ago. It's an uproariously stupid rant thing about the NSA eyeing up our phone records. So, for the nation's thirst for all things security. Enjoy.     

      Recently, while driving to work, jamming to the talk radio stylings of NPR, I was apprised of our nation's love of phone record collecting. At first, I was completely terrified, locking the doors on my van in a "they'll never take me alive" motion, as though a car door lock will stop the CIA/NSA/IRS/Senators with microwave brain scanners lurking along the highway.

      I mean, they'd have pistols...or a formidable sling shot...or both, right? If they don't, then, what the fuck are my taxes paying for? The least likely of their imaginary arsenal and my most favorite; a hefty pineapple style grenade emblazoned with painted smiley with words that read, "To be jammed in cock hole!".

It's the details that make it really special.

      Listening to the report, disgusted at the blatant disregard the government had for my rights, I thought about how I had been trampled on, pissed on, diarrhea-ed on, then spit on...I assume. I mean, after that what's left? Cum, I suppose, but, that takes it in a whole other direction.

A perverted direction.

Finally, I realized how incredibly stupid it is to feel any of those ways, rights jizzed on or otherwise...and how stupid it is for ANYONE to flip the fuck out. This is old news, people! Let me explain...

Companies Have Done It For Years...sort of.

May I introduce the soft under belly of paranoia.

      If you've bought anything larger than your forehead and bought that forehead sized object with a credit card, they've got you! Shit, even smaller than your forehead for that matter. Things for your forehead. What the hell am I talking about? 

      Those annoying super cocks, that sell you annoying things, know who you are and where you live. How? Why? You told them, of course, well, your credit card did. Information on what you buy, how much and how often, is shared between companies all the time. It helps corporations determine, not only, when you're in the market for vitamin diet pills (that will increase your long distance sex problem) and make it cheaper, but, how much you're willing to spend on it. 

Having your personal information, makes their job easier and should make you feel not only over joyed with the sweet convenience, but...just a little terrified too. Some guy in the Anbar Province knows what type of condom I like is fine, but, the also knowing the last time I needed one, not so fine. Knowing a profit hungry corporations analyzes what you're doing with your genitals, in order to sell things should make us all terrified.

      If you're panicked about the NSA diddling your precious phone records, know that K Mart is diddling your buying practices. Phone companies sell your information all the time too. It doesn't carry the same sting as your "phone records", but, it's just as freakish. Imagine the weirdos you work with; now, imagine them with your personal data. Yeah, the same guy that doesn't wash his hands after pissing, is the same guy with your home address. The guy who stinks like shit...on purpose, knows which bank you use and last online purchase. 

      Do you think phone company employees are of a higher quality? Think again, junior. The real kicker is, the selling and buying of your personal information happens all the time, without you knowing. Like a huge vat of personal info ass droppings, all of your crap is floating around somewhere...and tons of strange people are fondling it. 

      Yes, I get it, it's not the government and it's not phone tapping, record snooping, per say, but, it's only slightly goddamn mortifying. Stuff you don't want floating around (man, do I love a good turd analogy), is out there, bobbing around, waiting to be squished in a strangers hand. We've become so used to it, it no longer evokes a response. 

The difference between companies using our information and our government, is that the government works for us, because we pay them to work for us. They're paid to supposedly have our best interests in mind. Those companies however...give less of a shit.  

Government, companies; they both invade our privacy to one degree or another, be it for securities sake or sales. At least the government never tries to keep me on the phone to sell a Viagra knock off, two for a dollar. The government barely acknowledges my existence, let alone whether my dick gets hard, I mean past an earned income statement, they hardly give a shit. Speaking of which...

The Double Edged Sword O' Conspiracy!

Ah, making fun of elected officials. 

I don't think it's been done before.

      A few years ago, I called the IRS. Normally, I would make fart sounds, laugh and hang up and wait for the authorities, but, this time, I had a problem. As it happened, I never received a tax return from the previous year, despite being owed one. So, as any responsible money grubbing, citizen, I wanted to know where my mo' fuckin' money was!

      I called the the IRS and talked to one of their guys about it. He typed my information into a computer (I imagined it looked like the super computer from the movie Hackers all glowing and such). Then, he told me something that forever changed how I felt about bureaucracy. 

I didn't exist.

My social security number, name, etc.; had never existed. I was beside my nonexistent self. 

I'd dutifully paid taxes to a government that never recognized me as a citizen, cognizant being ...or entity...or anything of any sort. I was flabbergasted. 

Then, I realized that they were a collective of government fuck ups, like everywhere else and everything was fine. I returned to eating, drinking, drinking more and passing out.

      Everyone seems to forget that one of the longest running jokes in human history is government inefficiency. There are whole shows devoted to it's blundering. It's a train wreck of backward policy, counter intuitive production and guys named Ernie, to some degree or another. 

      Equally contradictory are people that are freaking out about the phone record thing. Usually, they're bitching about the inefficiency of the government, yet freak out when things like NSA sequestration of phone records occurs. It's not like the NSA are any more efficient when sorting a billion phone records! 

      These are government employees we're talking about. Have you ever been to a post office? Then, you've seen the quality of today's government worker, first hand. They fuck up stamp sales, make jokes about sex toys in transit and send the wrong people those toys.

      Still, people are freaking out over phone records, like all of a sudden, THAT'S the program the government is going to get right. I'm sure it's less like a warehouse full super computers (Hackers movie) manned by grimacing super geniuses and more like an elderly, dementia riddled man, poking a keyboard, doing  Google-ish searches through phone records for "terrorist's are sexy" and "I made a bomb in my shoes!". 

The Government 

Doesn't Care Who You Are.

All of these people are black.

      It's a horrible truth that I feel goes unspoken, yet it's still an awful thing for anyone to hear. You're not important. Mind you, you're important to someone or hell, even some people, just not every person and certainly not all people. 

      According to the government, you're even less important than that. You're a law abiding tax payer who may or may not complain, possibly vote them in or out and little else. Actually, and more than likely, you're little more than a number used in various statistics and projection reports. 

      So, when it comes to the millions of phone records they may or may not be perusing, your name is probably not going to make their Billboard 100 anytime soon. Your Facebook posts about being too shit faced to identify your own mother, wouldn't crack into a millisecond of their time. I'm sorry to tell you that, please don't kill yourself...or at the very least, don't mention me in the suicide note.

      It's heart breaking, I know. I'd love to think some over tasked computer jockey was digitally hunting me, via a phone I never use, to find out if I'd prefer to be a Middle Earth elf or dwarf. Alas, we must all come to grips with our anonymity concerning the powers that be. There are too many of us to give a fuck about all of us.

     Though, bucking the trend by bombing innocent people would surely rocket you to the top of their must search for record of the month, most of us just don't have the ambition to become a mass murdering freak. There's too much hate mail in it.

So, What Do We Pay Them For? 

God, this chick is so boring, I'm not even masturbating any more.

      I'd like to clarify that I believe phone tapping and the like to be wrong...for the most part. It's especially wrong when it's on my dime! I can think of an shit load of other things I'd rather get for my money. No. There are six things. Not all of them blow jobs.

      Regardless, phone record collecting data stuff is something the NSA does, because...that's what they're paid to do! It's not like Edna the elderly stripper next door is reading through the last nine times you called Domino's and subsequently judging you based on the information. On the contrary, the NSA collects information to protect the citizens of the U.S. Unfortunately, some of the people it's protecting us from live...in the United States.

      For the more paranoid among you (and not so paranoid), it's well known that stupid terrorists can be found in the countries they hate. It's a given. So, it stands to reason that they live among non-terrorist folk here too. 

      The part that sucks the most dick, besides all the explosions they cause, is the invisibility they seem to have. It's not a magic serum, voodoo or cosmetic cream that allows them to do so, it's the "they look like everyone else" thing. 

     This is when NSA snooping comes into play, weeding through a billion phone records and such to try and find them. You could make the short leap to say that it's only a matter of time before they're mining that information for a myriad of other things, but, that's like saying the postal service could one day take down UPS with it's cheaper pricing and swift delivery.

Denouement

 

The land that birthed reality t.v.

      As much as spying on me bothers me, I try to keep a level head about it. For one, I fully understand that I'm basically invisible to NSA prying, mainly because I'm A: not important enough to care about and B: I'm one of billions of people they don't care about. What really concerns me about the whole thing is the twisted, conflicted message that seems to come from the public itself about the whole thing. 

      People, of late, have gotten the notion that they are basically a mass of nameless, powerless citizenry at the mercy of their own government. This isn't true of course. Gathering enough of those same people to change anything is assuredly faster, more efficient and more powerful than the small number the government has on it's side. Yet, the weak and powerless attitude prevails.

However, when told about the NSA collecting records and such, suddenly, every individual is important and poses a threat, that the government must monitor at all times, via every record. Which the hell is it?