Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Let's Do Some Hoardin'!

      You know what I love more than punching politicians while yelling foreign obscenities? Hoarders. They're humanities natural archivists...of shit absolutely no one wants. Somehow, via the new god we call television, I find myself continually being sucked into their atrocious world. A world of deceit, manipulation and the ability to collect boxes filled with shit the Salvation Army would reject for being out of style. Then, they cram those boxes into a two bedroom house with kids. Kids who proceed to carve out caves in it. Awesome.

Bless you, you disgusting mother fuckers.

      When I watch, I sit, with my eyes wide and mouth agape in an expression hovering between disgust and awe. I call it my "jizz face". I am engrossed by the sheer magnitude of denial, in some cases, and the massive volume of useless shit some of the "hoarders have. These poor people are sadly...insane. Which is fine by me. It doesn't take much "crazy" to make me smile. A mumbling bum on the street pinching his nipple and pissing himself is always good for a chuckle. Oh, come on now! I put on my best "poor guy" look on but, deep down, I'm laughing just as much as you. Nutty people are God's notice to humanity that we're not perfect, so, stop trying to be. When you see a whacked out bastard warning you about the mind control chemicals Jesus told him about in Twinkies, don't pity him. Instead, look him in the eyes and say, "Thank you, sir! You provide a service deemed necessary by the creator and you're doing it splendidly.", then, toss a Twinkie at him and run away haphazardly yelling, "Bomb!". Who says insane people should have all the fun. Afterward, you'll feel better, he'll run in freakish horror. Win. Win. As for hoarders, the amount of crazy varies among them, as it does in all of us. Again, you with that look. Everyone has a little crazy in them. Stop denying it! Sometimes you just have to wear your underwear on the outside, stand half naked on a corner and preach about the sanctity of Scooby Doo's balls. No harm in that. Just don't do it with your genitals. Never with genitals. It might seem like a good idea...but, do that at home...with a camera. That's what video hosting sites are all about.



       There are some that are cleanly overall, with the exception of the massive amount of shit they don't need, neatly stacked to the ceiling, everywhere. Some have a need to shit everywhere but the toilet. Still other's lose their pets in the mountainous collections of stuffed animals and shot glasses. Pets, that died long ago...forgotten. Then there are the special people, who hoard animals. They represent the bestiality of hoarding. 

Can you find the cat? 
Don't worry...
no one else can either...but, we smell the cat.

      Are these people deranged? Slightly. Should they be incarcerated in a mental health facility were collecting trash, bathing unsupervised and going pants-less is prohibited? No. These folks are like you and me. Just regular people who happen to like trekking over vast amounts of used coke bottles, ash trays and children's clothing to get to their bathrooms. Who are we to say that, that is wrong? Should we strip them of that freedom? No. Let them drown in a deluge of their own material excess. What are we communists?!

 You might see heaps of garbage covered in mouse turds...I see...freedom.

      They don't need therapists. What they need to do is put them in touch with the guys from American Pickers. They represent an entire industry built on the backs of watery brained hoarders. Who the fuck keeps a back lot of barns filled to the brim with old snow sleds, bikes and turn of the century blow up dolls? Hoarders that's who. Collecting is filling a shelf. Hoarding is filling farm land. Let's get these people some money via the only guys that can turn hoarding into money of Enron proportions. Who you say? Well, who rummages through that shit, to find shit, to sell to other hoarders that buy shit? The Amercian Pickers, motherfucker. Let's turn these hoarding bastard's sick and delusional disorder into cha-ching...money.

When they're not fucking...they're digging through that shit back there.

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