New York: Future Home of Elton

      New York City is a magical place. It's the "melting pot of the world", which confused me for a while as a kid. I remember thinking there was a huge vat of boiling people, that they forced immigrants into. I wasn't right. Still, that's one of the first monikers for New York that pops into my head. Such a diverse group of people, living and thriving together in one massive collection of grime coated concrete insanity. It's almost a triumph of the soul story description, if reality didn't spoil it with all the crime, murder and rape. It's a melting pot, of people. People whom I hate. Sure, I don't know the people in New York, but, I hate them. Mostly because they're breathing and take up space. Yet, I have always wanted to live in that city. Fucked up right? Why would I want to live in New York, when I hate people. It's a paradox, an oxymoron of some sort, a true contradiction. It's fucking stupid is what it is. I won't argue that. I know it's retarded, yet, New York calls to me. I imagine in a thick Brooklynese voice that sounds like a cross between Bugs Bunny and every New York cop you've ever seen on t.v....ever. What does that voice say? "Fuck off, you stupid cock! We don' want yeh!". Damn, I love New York.

Pictured: New York running away from the camera.

      New York City was one of the two places I have always wanted to live. California being the other. Not any place specific, because, as movies tell us, anywhere is California is cool. They have San Francisco (for gay folks, Dirty Harry and car chases), Los Angeles (for almost everything else), Compton (for gangsta rappers, gang members and people who like to be shot), Long Beach (for Snoop Dogg and to a lesser extent Sublime), Beverly Hills (for rich people, famous rich people and the Playboy mansion) and Hollywood, (which is actually in Los Angeles). I lived in California for a while. The Southern (clearly this was once part of hot ass Mexico) side. I enjoyed it highly and wouldn't mind going back, if it weren't for the damn drug trafficking rap I'm on the lamb for. 

Can you believe you can't transport homemade 

cough medicine across state lines?! 

Oh, and meth. Lots of meth.

      California down, I have one left, good ol' New York City. Why New York City specifically? Well, it might seem brash on my part, but, in the typical American fashion: t.v., movies and ill secured firearms. What I gleaned from that, as we all did, is that New York City is the only thing on the East Coast. There's cities like, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore and want not, but, they're only used when directors want a movie to seem more "real". Who the shit wants to live some place real? I want to live in New York, King Kong swinging with his balls out, City!

BALLS!

      The closest I have come, however, is living in Pennsylvania, where I currently reside. It's not bad here. There are trees, polluted streams and people firing rifles at things randomly. Substitute trees for buildings and it's almost the same. Though, there is no suitable substitute for New York is there? I suppose rolling around in filth and yelling angry racial slurs at people for doing ordinary things might do it, but, who has the time? Plus, there's all the signs and honking of cars. Urban congestion is hard to get just right, no matter how many cars you steal. There really is nothing comparable to Gotham. Oh, I forgot the Batman thing. Fuck. Shit, Spider Man lives there too. How could I forget?

Not pictured: Spider Man

      Rubbing elbows with super heroes aside, I hear it's kinda shitty living there. The people are like regular people, but, worse. They hate you even when you do something nice. The place reeks of negativity and angst ridden masses who, quite simply, want you dead. Normally, this is right up my alley. It would be this time too, if it weren't for the sheer volume of people! Holy shit, you would think New York City gave away free doughnuts filled with oral sex. Still I am drawn to this whirling hell hole, wonderland of pissed off humanity. Shit. It might be just for the pizza. I hear that's pretty bad ass. I'd hit up a town for it's pizza, so long as I didn't have to interact with anyone. This, so I have been told, is a notable feature of New York. The denizens hate the living fuck out of you, but, they don't want to actually talk or make eye contact with you. Can you imagine? A few million people who live in the same place that want absolutely nothing to do with you. It's like...heaven. Think about it. You get all of the benefits that people have to offer, i.e. good food, shops, roller coasters, bong manufacturers and none of the hassle of dealing with assholes. I think I might have found the only thing on Earth better than sliced bread and hot toothless women.

New York, better than blow jobs by 

hot toothless women...on bread.

     What's holding me back you ask? Things like, family, friends, money, cost of living, desire to drink clean water, hatred of people, that's what. I will make it there one day and find out for myself. Is that mass of people, streaming down the sidewalks in all of those movies, purposefully ignoring each other? God I hope so. Otherwise, New York is just a big damn sky scraping nightmare. Hell, it might be, but, what the fuck right? I might fit right in. People being pent up bags of hate rage, living side by side with each other. As long as they don't speak, I'm fine. The minute they open their mouths though. Holy shit. I might just lose it. Then, they'll lose it. A chain reaction will start and ripple out across America, then, the planet. We will descend into chaos and anarchy. The very laws of physics will become unhinged, cats chasing dogs, snow in the summer, tip free stripping. Awesome.

Pictured: Song and dance number, waiting to happen