Monday, January 23, 2012

4 Things Comedians Taught Me...that I completely f*cking ignored.

      I grew up on a steady diet of comedy, grease and sugar compressed into various animal shapes. Fighting the reluctance of my brain, heart and better judgement, I am still on that diet. There were times that I cheated on my horrific food tortures with healthier fair, and shit myself because of it. Comedy has always been a mainstay in my life. I believed it to be pure in it's ability to amuse. How I was was wrong.

      My coming of age (meaning: time of discovering what boners are REALLY for) was during the comedic boom of the 90's. During those many hours of comedic indoctrination, I learned a lot of valuable life lessons: All Lawyers are cocaine chugging liars, traffic jams are comedy fuel, etc. etc. Oh, and all Jews are comedians...all of them. of them

      Whilst being inundated with a steady flow of awesome comedy, I have to admit, early on, I didn't get a lot of it. It involved a lot of stuff that a kid just doesn't understand. Things about having a job, paying bills and shopping were foreign to me, as I didn't have to do them myself. So, like any normal American kid raised on rated R entertainment, I laughed at the fart jokes...of which there were plenty. Sure, as I got older, I understood more, but, some still eluded me. 

      A lot of comedy is about getting older. I didn't get the "I'm getting older and these are some of the problems of that shit" jokes. They seemed like the complaints about an age that was WAY in the I wasn't even close to that! Now...disturbingly...I know what those bastards were talking about...and it isn't funny. I mean, shit like...

Food Fucks You Up.

20 minutes later...she almost shit out her soul.

      Eating enormous amounts of bad food is never a problem when you're growing up. Shit, sometimes contests were made out of it (be it a personal challenge or one posed by of your dick nose friends). How many people have tried to eat a whole pizza by themselves? A lot of us. Some of us still do, but, with far different results. At some unknown time, food changed from ingredients like: eggs, cheese and meat, to farts, heartburn and the shits. 

      Comedians have been warning us for years. I didn't take them seriously. Fuck, they're comedians! I would laugh because what they were saying sounded implausible (Indigestion? Heart burn? hahaha...he said farting!). Well, now, I understand. All too well. 

      It happens very quickly too. One minute, you're cramming your face with God's best pizza with a mother fucking gusto! Ten minutes later, rushing to the bathroom squeezing cheeks together for fear of painting the pizza parlor with your saucy shit surprise. Fucking comedians...if only I had taken them more seriously. 

Everything Fucking Hurts

...and glows red and see through apparently

      Being and staying physically active is a noble goal for us all. It keeps us fit and reduces the amount of fat in our collective asses. So, do we do it? Fuck no. It is easier and arguably more fulfilling to sit, watch t.v. and masturb--whatever it is that YOU do while sitting. Being a lazy shit doesn't just happen over night, it takes years of practice and dedication. Many of those years are during the teen age, when your ass is in prime physical condition. Well, at least that's when I started anyway. You were probably hurdling cars and modeling for Ralph Lauren. Which, if you were...up yours, you non fat ass. 

      I digress. It doesn't matter, because, when you get older...your body starts saying, "Fuck you!". Everything you do seems to make it ache more! As for me...I'm a tub of shit, so, it doubles...or triples the pain. Comedians had warned me, in very funny terms, for YEARS. Did I listen? No. I doesn't matter. I'm in too much pain to think. Can you hand me some Cheetos? Ohhh...which reminds me...

Remember Memory?


      Aging melts your brain. It's just that simple. I think I read, no, I'm SURE I read it on Huffington Post...or the Smoking Gun. Which is on the internet, making it automatically true. Alright, I lied. Aging just destroys your fucking memory. Seriously. 

      Comedians have made fun of memory loss since...uh...fuck. I can't remember, they fucking though. It seemed like silly talk the first few times I heard it. You know the "Haha...the funny man is talking about forgetting his keys! Ooop. He says he found them in his girlfriend's vagina. Gross." jokes. They are hilarious...until they are absolutely fucking true. Whoa, no, no, hey...I didn't lose my keys in my girlfriend's vagina. I lost them up my ass...what the hell is wrong with you? Gross.

Fuck Losing Weight

Evolution of a fat ass.

      Holy shit, were comedians right on the money with this one. If I had acknowledged how easy it was to get fat as I got older, I would, I probably wouldn't have changed anything. God damn it. Food tastes good! Especially the fucking bad food, which is another thing comedians taught me. All good food treats your body, like a South American bank laundering drug money. It seems tasty on the outset, eventually it's going to get you fucking killed. Viva La Drugas!

      It only gets mother fucking worse as you get older. Those funny fucks were right, yet again. They should have been more stern in their teachings. Hell, put a serious warning at the end of all those half-hour comedy specials: SOME OF THIS SHIT, SERIOUSLY HAPPENS! I wouldn't have listened. I would have guffawed and thought, "Huh, huhuhuh...them words is funny. Time tah eat!". Sorry, I reminisced in a slack jawed southern accent for a minute. It may have been due to a stroke, that was brought on by pork rinds I ate 4 years ago, which are still present in my colon. Mother...fucking...comedians.

      Now, as I type this, the words of a thousand some odd funny men ring in my ears. Testimony to my inability to find that kernel of truth which sometimes lies at the heart of what is...a joke. Heeding the unspoken lessons of comedians, now takes on a heralded note of importance. For they impart a multitude of truths regarding the human condition, with each bit of...who the fuck am I kidding? They tell jokes. I laugh. Only now...I REALLY get the punch line. Thanks funny men. Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. Actually, you make quite an interesting observation. How much truth do we convey when we tell a joke? Do we mirror our own thoughts and feelings on a subject when we joke about it? Do we deal with our fears and prejudices by formulating a jokey facade?

    Right now, I'm feeling scared and vulnerable because I haven't made a joke yet, thus proving my point. I'm going to hide under the stairs until this blows over.


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