Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The State of The Union's Bizarre Sweetness

      Anyone that missed the 2012 State of The Union address, missed an action packed roller coaster speech of thrills, chills and blind rage. There were times during the fast paced, edge of your seat, craziness that I lost my breath...due to sheer perverse excitement. 

I'm gonna own this shit, bitches.

      The wistful, yet, terrifiying way President Obama pistol whipped random congressmen while berating onlookers was a wonderful example of both showmanship and leadership in action. There is a reason this man was elected president and savagely beating underlings is one of them. Then, during portion in the middle, I was taken aback when he defecated on his podium while screaming incoherently into the camera. It demonstrated a superior political savvy rarely seen in today's non-podium shitting political landscape. 

      Finally, in a stroke of what can only be described as Machiavellian bravado, he proceeded to urinate into the vice president's face and mouth. If that weren't enough he looked lustfully into the camera and reciting a list of world leaders he wants to have "heated animal sex" with, as well. He of course ended this gesture, by pointing into the camera and mouthing the word "You" and making thrusting movements with his pelvis, while continuing to urinate. Again, if you missed this scatologically infused political dynamo in action, you've done a great disservice to yourself as an American.


      Man, would it have been awesome if that was what really happened? I would still be sitting here, mouth agape, wondering what the fuck happened and why did it have to end. The world would be a much, much more awesomely insane place to live. I mean, finally, mainstream podium shitting. It wouldn't just be an underground thing any more.

      Alas, reality isn't nearly as satisfying as a maniacal podium shitting president, but, it wasn't a complete loss. There were a few shining moments throughout, that kept me from firing my pre-loaded "kill this boring shit!" gun into the t.v. That's if you knew what to look for of course. Here are a few...strange highlights.


...and he gave us his only begotten son...or some shit like that.
      During the State of The Union Address, President Obama evoked his Presidential right to God's undying light. It's rarely used during most political events/rallies/whippings, though, I feel this trend might change in the future. Mostly, it's used when the light in the presidential bathroom has burnt out. Using it in such a public setting has it's advantages and disadvantages. Advantage: Come's a fucking God light! Awesome. Disadvantage: It may have brought on the end of times, but, still...God light! Now, there are several things to know about summoning God's luminescence. You should never use it to mock blind people and focusing it with mirrors into a beam of pure energy will...end...everything. Oh and when filming the "God Light" it is good to do it from a profile angle. 

      Why you ask? Well, when seen from the front, God's Undying Light or "God Light" for short, looks too much like Jesus looking upon God for...who knows what? Guidance? Cookies? Regardless, it looks to "divine" a look for a mere mortal man. Side shot it better. You want to avoid a Jesus comparison. Why?

      Venturing too far into "Jesus" country could offend mid-western and southern conservatives. Which as we all know is a pain in the ass, because they like to vote...a lot. They also tend to like their leaders to look like their gods...white. This is bad if you' know...not white. Instead, if used in a profile shot, it gives the sense that the light or God is anointing the person, like the cook kid in class high fiveing a nerdy kid. It displays God's "okay" or his/her acceptance...or that God is indeed plays with huge, monsterous, God size flashlights. One of those. 

Jobs on Jobs

Not pictured: Dead Steve Jobs

      I am all for the advancement of technology. Shit, just the other day I was irate when I learned that we're still YEARS away from toasters giving good blow jobs (the blow jobs they give now are just overly hot and, so very painful). When it comes to advances in voice recognition technology, I get all excited. 
Hard nipple excited. I almost jump up and down, if I weren't partially paralyzed from all the toaster blow jobs.

       I'm elated to discover that super advanced voice recognition software has even crept into the programming of cameras at live televised government events. It also saddens me to discover that this software still has it's bullshit, quarky fuck ups. 

      What leads me to this revelation? What else can explain the constant appearance of Laurene Powell Jobs, Steve Job's widow, whenever President Obama mentioned "jobs". At first, I thought, oh, he must have mentioned Steve Jobs (which he did later), but, it showed her when he was simply mentioning "jobs" in employment. Today, jobs while cutting to Jobs. with appliances. You heard it here first.

Obama vs. Osama

I have killed before and I will again, motherfuckers.

      Far be it from me to criticize someone for reliving past victories. I myself have recounted, on many occasions, the time I single handedly wrestled four gold medals from the hands of Special Olympic winners. Though, it was years ago, I still have those medals hanging proudly on my wall. 

      It seems President Obama and I share a common trait, rehashing old shit. His, of course, is rightfully a big fucking deal. He had a hand in delivering  a fatality to Osama bin Laden. He should boast on occasion. It just struck me as an odd place to do it...during a State of The Union address. 

      I understand he's going to start or is starting his campaign soon, but, it's still odd. It's like, going to work and the manager is going over the previous day's sales and then begins recounting all the nerd ass he used to kick in high school. You'd stare at him with a "what the fuck is this fucking fuck talking about?" look about your face. The same look I had when I had when Obama did the Osama thing during the speech. Though, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I'd want people to remember I took down a terrorist too...from a room...half way around the world. Still, the fucker's dead and he okay'd it. So,...there's that.

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