Wednesday, July 11, 2012

15 Excruciating Minutes of Pop Radio Part 2

      The first part of this writhing bit of hell is waaay over here--->PART ONE! You should probably read that first, lest your brain implode with the force of a thousand suns. So, now, my harrowing trek through the wasteland that is..

15 Excruciating Minutes of Pop Radio: Part 2

"Starships" and Some Other Shit Song

Hmm...should I show tits...or ass next? Damn all these decisions!

      "Starships" is a suck ass song by Nicki Minaj. The song is a sweet little ditty about...something about motherfuckers and has nothing to do with starships. It's played every day around the world at least a million times. Every one of those too many fucking times. To me, this song represents everything that's wrong with pop music. It has no discernible content and what it does have for substance is confusing and blatantly retarded. It's almost an offense to naturally born retarded folks and people that made themselves retarded via drugs and head injuries. 

      It's repetitious to the point of it's use for psychiatric experiments determining the limits of sanity is currently being studied by the FDA and military. Frankly, if this shit doesn't get a terrorist talking, whilst sobbing, nothing will. 

      It's sung in a whiny ear hating, grating mind rapey way that might drive a man to--kill--until the hurt stops. Unfortunately, the rest of humanity tends to lean in the "It's number 8 on the charts because we love it, so, suck it Elton!", well, you're stupid so there. Okay. Maybe not totally, there is one redeeming quality...Nicki Minaj.

My only critique for the video? It' needs more jumping.

      I have nothing against Nicki Minaj. I want to bone her...a lot. Just as much as every other red blooded straight male, who's capable of getting a boner wants to. It's not her, fine ass and titties, that I find awful, it's her music that I find terrible, that's the thing. 

      This song is a hate anthem aimed at quality music. 98% of it, is the chorus, the other 2% is comic mumbling that sounds like a stuttering seven year old on too much Ritalin. Though, when you do read the lyrics, you realize that the stuttering is from 20 something year old on too much Ritalin,weed and Bud Light. I liked to imagine she was yammering on about politics or a deep philosophical diatribe,  perhaps, a verse about...doing me...while on a trapeze, but, half way through completing it, started having a stroke/seizure mid sentence. 

She's even hot during an aneurysm.

      What the fuck happened to music? Modern pop doesn't consist of songs anymore. There's no artistry to it. It's simply a chorus, with a shitty "hook" in a loop laid over a repetitive drum beat. It's like they don't even try anymore. Oh and sweet trapeze Nicki isn't the only one. Rihanna has a shit song out about...humping in a lonely place...or something. I don't know what it's about, because it's a chorus...over a never ending drum beat. 

Has our sense of musicality degraded so much that we readily accept songs with just a chorus/hook repeated over and over? Don't we deserve some modicum of artistry and decent song writing from these people?

Pictured: artistry and decent song writing

Keyboards of The 80's!

Photographic proof of...lame.

      Keyboards are lame, what can I say. Wait. Not just lame, but, sad too,very...very sad. There was a time, back in the 1980's when keyboards and their bastardized, down syndrome saddled brother, the "keytar" ruled over the music landscape. It seemed like every song had a keyboardist...fucking it up. Then, as if to demonstrate it's pomposity and overtly prominent shittiness, the keyboard, for a time, became the whole band. 

The horror of keyboarding as a substitute for sex. Gruesome.

      It's like some producer, whose name is lost to history, decided, "Hey, these fuckin' keyboards is amazin'! They make dem drum sounds, bass sounds AND piano sounds. Send all these other fuckin' instruments home. Boys, this little machine just changed everything. Play everything on keyboard, guys. EVERYTHING!". Then, lightning split the sky and thousands of keyboardists everywhere smiled evil, toothy grins and fanned out to infiltrate and fucking, fuck every fucking song of the 80's with their shitty electro sounds.

      Being that they could produce a multitude of sounds styles, it's obvious why they were so popular. Used in moderation, they can even add to a songs texture and musicality. It's over using them that makes them sound like someone went through the toy instrument aisle with a bulldozer.

       What also eludes me...what made anyone think they could look cool playing one? No one has ever looked cool playing a keyboard...ever. Especially a fucking "keytar". Holy fuck, the guy that invented that think died a lonely, under sexed and decapitated, I hope anyway. The "keytar" is often seen with the mullet and "Hammer pants" as the antidote, for getting too much sex. Horrifically, it's making a come back. Which single-handedly proves the world is slipping into another dark age of thoughtless non-music devoid of penile or vaginal awesomeness. Even women playing keytars or keyboards look ridiculous. Unless they're playing topless...then, it's sexy and ridiculous.

Told you.

      Using a keyboard in moderation isn't so bad, it's when it's goofy synthetic strings settings and "oop, tisk, oop, tisk" noodling are substituted for drums that kill me. It's the musical equivalent of beating a man to death with a Nerf bat, it takes forever and when you're done, you feel like you've been cheated out of a more gratifying experience. Besides, the guy just ends up walking away, lightly bruised and confused. What did it really accomplish in the end? Nothing. Fucking keyboards.

Bruno Mars Is The Smartest Man In Pop


      Bruno Mars, that doe eyed man-boy, who sings songs that make women spontaneously ovulate and hump couch pillows. What a guy. If vaginal sex was sold by the ounce, Bruno Mars would have a warehouse full of it. Yet, his boyish good looks pump out gay vibes, like a t.v. stuck between the Bravo channel and...some other channel where guys are blowing each other.

It is my firm belief that Bruno Mars sucks balls. Let's just get that out of the way. He sucks balls so big, you'd have to lift up Zeus's robes to find a bigger set, even then, they'd only be slightly bigger. 

      As much ball sucking as he does, I have to give the guy credit. He sings well and is pretty smart, in fact, he is the smartest plausibly gay prick in pop music. How, you ask? How is the modern Desi Arnaz a genius? I'd say it's due to his feminine pandering. The man writes songs that are timeless, in their pandering to women's low self esteem.

This came up when I searched for 
"confident woman". 
God bless you Google.

      Writing songs that tell women they're pretty "just the way they are" is just good business. Songs like that will be played until the end of time. If he's done his legal homework properly, Bruno Mars can look forward to his shitty songs paying him well into the end of time or the day when every woman is a super model. What a brilliant motherfucker! Tapping into a sensibility that will...barring every doctor spontaneously giving away plastic surgery and psychotherapy, will...literally...never, ever end. What girl or woman for that matter, doesn't like being called pretty? Holy shit! 

      Sure, people have written songs about women being pretty, but, I have yet to find one that says it so plainly in such a girl friendly way. It's fucking stunning in it's simplicity. Now, all he has to do is write an equally good song for gay folks, straight guys and fetish types and he's golden. My suggestions:; fetish song; something about liking your balls crushed, gay song...something about sucking balls...straight song...something about women wanting to fuck them, regardless of obvious ugliness and pot bellies...and that they want to suck on their balls. 

Fuck, Bruno Mars sucks. I wish I had his wallet though. Bruno Mar's wallet...doesn't suck balls.


  1. I feel the same way about Bruno Mars. I hate his guts, but he knows how to play the game.

    And, as for Nicki Minaj, people need to realize that the sooner she becomes irrelevant, the sooner she'll release a sex tape.

    1. This reeks of sound logic. How do we make her irrelevant like, tomorrow?

  2. He doesn't just write songs about being pretty just the way she is, but songs about how he'll do anything for the girl, like jump in front of a train or some such nonsense. But the ketar!?! How can you have anything against something that gets a musician laid less often than the tuba? It's hilarious watching them even try. Oh, that's right, the sonic assault is what bothers you.

    1. I would never contest the hilarity of the keytar, it's funny on sight. It's the seriousness with which it's played! You should be stripped of all rights to mate if you even attempt to pick one up.

  3. I have an ear infection that hurts in much the same way as being anally penetrated...which is a lot...or so I've been told.
    I'm telling you this because if I so much as yawn or hiccup, that pain increases. Laughing makes the pain ten times more painful. YOU are now fully responsible for unleashing a world of hurt in my ear. I hope you're proud of your yourself.

    1. I'm never proud of anal rape paining a person's ear. Though, I do find it's safer than water I hear...or not hear.

  4. You know that Bruno Mars song where he offers to do all these outstanding acts heroism, like "I'd catch a grenade for you". Well, I like to change the lyrics to make them much more mundane:

    "I'd make fresh lemonade for you,
    Ooh, I'd march in a parade for you,
    You know I'd donate to Live Aid for you"

    Also, you might enjoy this video:

    1. That's officially my favorite video from now...until mid-morning of next Thursday. Then, its right back to regular porn viewing.


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