Sweet Winter and Frostbite!

      Well, it's finally come down to it. God is starting to brutalize us with the yearly, awesome taste of the bitter, cold back of his hand.  The devil winter is here and I am ecstatic. I fucking love the winter, with it's icy frozen death grip and cold biting rage. It's like that claymation piece of shit from the Christmas claymation shit they have on t.v. every year. Joy and happy snowbally fun day...I fucking hate winter!

Just...just look at that evil prick. What a bastard.

      How can anyone like such a wretched season? It's practically a biblical sign of the end times. I mean, it practically fits in with everything else mentioned for the end of days. No? Let me word it for you, "...the air grew thick with cold, the water turned to ice and fell from the sky, choking the life out of the land." Everything about it screams death! Yet, there are stalwart freaks out there who swear by it's beauty. It proves that regardless of our evolutionary boasts...some of us are still painfully fucking stupid. 

Average snow lover

      This time of year with it's tundra-esque qualities is a fucking nightmare. It's as though God had a surplus of pain and decided to sprinkle it out over a few months. Winter has no redeemable aspects. Every bit of it sucks giant, giant balls. Senior citizen shut ins magically turn into dead meat Popsicle's due to it's freezing temperatures. Moron driver's dumb ass driving skills get flamboyant and magnified due to it turning roads to ice...glass roads. Your car gets stuck in the snow bullshit. You have to heat up everything before using it (cars, water, home, blood for drinking). Walking in the winter is just plain mother fucking painful. Snow gets everywhere and burns when it gets there. Oh, and the mother fucking wind. Have you ever had ice cold wind burn? Fuck. I equate it to sand blasting on your face, only God is doing it...and it's everywhere but, the safety of indoors. The cold drives you to wearing gloves. So? Gloves are stupid, just plain fucking stupid. Gloves are awkward and mostly worthless. They've invented dehydrated water, but, can they invent a glove thin, yet warm enough to be of any fucking use? No. They'll stick with dehydrated water, because...fuck your frostbitten hands. So, we have to deal with thick bullshit, wrapped around your fingers, that makes it impossible to do anything.

Why? Because...science has failed us.

      Winter is a bitch, but, lots of people like it because it has it's pretty moments. Hey, I get the majestic beauty thing. Winter is beautiful...for about 6 fucking minutes. I find that the "joys" of winter can best be experienced via television, post card, streaming internet video or porn movie set. The further I am from the shit, the better. I'd love to say that this time of year has a special kind of magic, that evokes images of fire places, crackling with fire and glowing, warm rooms with hot cocoa and want not, but, no...fuck no. It stirs in me the imagery of hunched over cavemen poking at a dying fire, while God's snow swathed, man killing season reigns supreme beyond the cave entrance. It's white cold death from above and you can't change that. So, next time you find yourself getting misty eyed and whimsical about winter, grab a fist full of ice cubes, hold them until your hands are numb, then, shove the what's left down your pants, then, slap your silly ass face. Winter is a frozen, waste land nightmare. Deal with it.

Even Santa knows it.

     

Marty Dies In "Back To The Future"

      While trolling the internet, looking for interesting scraps of entertainment and "a life" for myself, I found myself running into a lot of Back To The Future related pieces. It's obvious what the universe is telling me to do, other than strike myself repeatedly while muttering "Pancakes for sale.". What? The universe is a weird, weird place. Who am I to question it? I just play along and duck when it throws things at me. So? The obvious message? Explain what's wrong with Back To The Future, Elton! So, without further ado, the disturbing reality behind the skewed world of Back To The Future.

Parkinsons.

      Back To The Future (BTTF) is a strange fucking movie wrapped in family friendly garb. People have worked this movie over like an African blood diamond miner. It's been, di-sected, tri-sected and taken apart from almost every angle. I'm not one to rehash totally old BTTF fodder. Don't get me wrong, analyzing the  the finer aspects of underage drinking with your teen aged mother, while bating her with possible car sex is fun, sure, but, it's been done. No, I want to delve slightly deeper in to the rich curd of BTTF. We're going into nerd territory ya'll. Deep in it. Elbow deep. Holy shit. I just said that didn't I. I think my blood sugar is low.

Maniacally low

      I'm just going to jump right in it, because seriously, I really have to shit. Massive, massive dump. So, I'm not going to really crawl over the minutiae of the physics or time travel rules and the like. Partly because explaining it would be like convincing a cop that the blood on your hands, is not from the dead body you're currently standing over. No matter how compelling the evidence, you're bound to fuck up the facts...and are going to jail. I'll just stick to what we know about the movie in general. Okay? So, it's 1985 and Marty was a poor down trodden bag of shit in a Huey Lewis tribute band at the movies start. He lived in a shit hole, suburb nightmare and his parents were broken down, sad excuses for humanity. Marty's Dad, George, worked for Biff "Super Cock" Tannen and he was, to put it subtly, his bitch. Marty's Mom had the look of a desperate, depressed woman with failure rolling off of her like a London fog.

Failure fog...with a vagina mouth

      Marty has a bat shit crazy, old fuck of a friend named Doc Brown, who invents crazy shit. Doc knocks together a DeLorean shaped time machine, then, gets killed by some Libyans, which causes Marty to panic. In blind running panic he jumps in the time machine and whiz bang ends up in 1955. While there, he fucks with his parents meeting and falling in love and boning. Therefore he puts his own existence in jeopardy. Crazy fish out of water shenanigans ensue, "Oh boy! This zany kid from the future thinks the negro is gonna be mayor?! Zowwie! He's bonkers!". He starts calling himself Calvin Klein flashing underwear and want not. He enlists the help of 1955 Doc and they come up with a plan to set things straight. After a lot of "my mom wants to fuck me?!" moments, decking 1955 Biff during Mommy play rape. He also inadvertently inspires a rock legend via impossible guitar playing and a phone call. All is made right with the world and Marty zips off to the mother year of 1985. He goes back early to try and save Doc from his Libyan death and watches himself jump in the time machine. Low and behold, Doc is okay. Hugs. Marty is seen waking up in a fancy version of his old house at the beginning, his parents are all rich and confident. Biff is now the bitch and Marty has a new truck. Got it?

Oh, I'm not even getting into that shit...

      Here's the problem. 1955 George decks 1955 Biff turning his future from cock to pussy. 1955 George gets confidence and goes on to a successful career doing...whatever the fuck that he does. All is good in the rich newly created Marty life, right? Well, here's the fucked sided of this time traveled coin. The Marty we follow through the movie...isn't the same Marty that jumps into that DeLorean at the end, when he goes back early to save Doc. No. The Marty who takes off at the end is a "rich Marty". He's the Marty that grew up with successful parents and a pussy Biff. He has a new truck and life is good. He also grew up with his parents telling him the story of how they got together through the wacked out antics of their friend...Calvin Klein. See, when the "Rich Marty" jumps into the DeLorean at the end, he goes back to 1955 wholly unprepared. He has no idea how to fix his parents relationship when he fucks it all up. At the least, he makes himself a poor failure again, at the most and probably the most likely, he completely fucking obliterates his own existence through lack of information. How's that for fucked up! See...so, the Marty we followed through the movie...might have killed himself anyway. Just for trying to help Doc out. The plutonium stealing mother fucker. Poor time travelling Marty. The bastard never had a chance. Oop. Shitting here I come!

Gimme that shit ya dirty bastard!

ALF, You Beautiful Son of A Bitch!

      Right now, I am sitting next to a t.v. that's pumping out the odd sounds of ALF. I bought the first season a while back thinking my kids might enjoy it. I did when I was their age. As a kid, ALF, a furry smart ass alien puppet, encompassed not only cartoon silliness, but, a progressive step toward, full on adult sarcasm. I loved the fucking fuck out of that show when it was on. It taught me a lot about being a dick. A funny dick. I'll tell you, that's no easy task. It's a walk on the edge of a high cliff, with an abrupt, perilous fall from being a funny dick bag to outright asshole. ALF in a small way taught me there were edges to fall from. It's easy to topple from sarcastic dick grace were. I learned that being a funny dick head wasn't enough. You had to know your limits in the sarcasm universe, if you want to remain sociable, that is. Have you ever seen a movie where the snarky, fuck face character, who delivers the quippy quip quips, doesn't show compassion? If he didn't, he'd just be an unlikable sarcastic fuck knob. Compassion is the gives a sarcastic bastard the ability to make and keep friends. It's the difference between asshole James Spader and quippy snark fuck face Ryan Reynolds.

It's that or his in-human abs. 

That shit just isn't right.

      Most of what my limited expertise of the sarcastic arts, I gleaned from shows like ALF, SNL, 80's movies and pop culture in general. It was like a sarcasm beginner course. I didn't realize I was being taught of course. Who the fuck understands the underlying lessons being relayed to you by television? It happens all the time. Last week, I was up early and I caught the last couple minutes of The View. What did I learn? Skinny white blonde chicks from Survivor, don't know shit. If ever caught in a situation where one starts a pseudo political debate with you, just shake your keys in her face and toss them across the room. She'll run for them and you can make your escape. If not, she'll suck the life force out of you and use it to buy hair dye. Don't let her do it. Don't let her win. See, they didn't explicitly state that. Well, not that I know of, anyway. They could have a disclaimer at the beginning. I didn't see that part. I was too busy hammering my own penis. Which, as most people will tell you, is far more entertaining and informative than The fucking View. 

If "pointless and stupid" made a talk show, 

it would look like this...except more interesting.

      So, as I listen to ALF, I have some idea what my daughter might be learning. A life skill, that if employed properly could garner some modicum of social value. It's not instant. It takes a long time to wield sarcasm like a loose chain in a gang fight. Well, a 50's gang fight, anyway. Today's gangs wield pistol grip shotguns and threats of prison style rape. I digress. ALF helped me on a path to a better, funnier understanding of the world. I like being able to view the wispy thread of sarcasm that winds it's way through the world. It's mostly unseen by others, but, it's there. Show's like ALF helped me to see it...and use it. I'm thankful for that. If not, then, I'd probably view sarcasm as just an asshole's way of dealing with the world and not the popular comedic medium it is. Thank's ALF! You strangely phallic, sarcastic lump of douche' bag, you.

On the planet Melmac, that gesture translates to, 

"Fuck your fucking mother, mother fucker!"

Fuck I Love Hate!

      I looove hateful people. All those extra O's are for all the extra love. I'm a giver. A giver of extra "O" love. Hateful people allow me to believe I am a decent and good person. Without hateful people, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Not without sobbing uncontrollably and possibly urinating on myself in self deprecation. Luckily, episodes where those things do happen, are confined to the moment after the morning shit and tooth brushing.

The floaties are in case I cry a river.

      I can make it through my day, in large part, knowing that there are high profile, hate mongers trudging their way through the same world, I muck through. Their existence allows me to breath easy. Knowing that any hate I throw out into the world, is tiny in comparison to those bunch of walking rectal irritants. I love/hate epic hate peddlers like...

Ann Coulter

It's like she's burning your soul out with those eyes. Yikes.

      Ann Coulter is a right wing, lawyer pigeon from outer space. She's got pushes out more BTU's of hot political insanity, than an Ecstasy fueled political science co-ed. This bitch is crazy. Ugly, hate crazy. She hates Muslims, gays, liberals, freedom, intelligence, facts, sense, peace, style, poise, grace and I'm pretty sure living kittens. She is a bona fide lady lump of bat shit insanity with a book deal. I love her because when I want to feel argumentative, patriotic and right, which I do a lot. I watch this dumb bitch talk. She's a bucket of anger fueled stupidity with titties. Fugly titties. Watching this retarded chick ramble on about whatever controversial subject matter conservatives hate this week is a joy. Whether it's abortion, terrorists, prayer in school or book burning this vapid blonde has a statement. An obviously moronic hate slanted opinion, you might find yourself amazed hasn't gotten her beat to death yet. She's Rush Limbaugh with a pussy and just as attractive. What you might not understand is that this is how she makes money. She says outlandish shit so that she can sell her books that have equally outlandish shit in it. That is the only real reason for her hate bullshit. It's her schtick. If not, then, she's in the short line for a serious car bombing. 

Fox News

      These fuckin' guys. Holy shit. They spout hate laced non-facts like an anger lie chucking lawn sprinkler. Then, after riddling the ground with sloppy shit talk, they don't even don't apologize for the mess. When they're abso-fuckin'-lutely, cato-fuckin'-strophically wrong, it's not their fault, it's everyone else's. It's basically the same shit Ann Coulter does except it's calling itself a news network. The most vile nonsensical politicizing shit they can get away with is on this channel 24/7. None of it's actual news. It's more like, fitful angry ranting by conservative white guys. Let me clarify. Imagine we time warped back to post civil war America. We invent the t.v. We set up the standard networks, including: Cartoon Network, CSPAN, Food Network and a few of those naughty channels involving obscene things with farm equipment. The one's you don't rent, but, kinda do "just to see". Now, if large communities/groups all got their own representative channel (ala BET), Fox News would be the disgruntled white plantation owners network. Though, they aren't blatant about it, Fox News likes to spread bullshit around like a televangelist spreading donation banter. Normally, I view Fox News with a morbid curiosity, as I do most U.S. news networks. Most seem to have picked a side in the great Democrat, Republican idiocy war. I wouldn't normally care, if it wasn't for the fact that they still call themselves "news" networks. They are to news what an "escort" is to hooking. The escorts say they're just payed to attend a party with you, even while they're sucking your dick hooker style. I like Fox News because they demonstrate,on a regular basis, that there's a large majority of people that watch this bullshit. Why would I like that? Because knowing those people exist and watch that shit, makes me feel smarter than those people. How can you NOT like that?

Nutty Rich People

Yaaaay! I almost own everything!

      Okay, maybe hateful is a strong word for this group of people. I mean, if it wasn't for we slaving lower and middle class, they wouldn't have any money. Why the hate, right? Well, perhaps it's not hate, but, discriminatory...in who to kill. Apparently there are a couple of really rich bastards (Ted Turner and Bill Gates to name a couple), that believe the world would run a lot smoother, with a lot less of air breathers on it. Be it through extraneous vaccinations or just plain whackin' a large swath of people, these rich pricks are down for thinning out the lower end. Where do they get off, right? Well, they get off with a lot of fucking money. Bill Gates uses his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to buy vaccinations for poor people in third world countries. This is in hopes that the vaccinations will some how turn their immune systems into overused junk, much like a well worn prostitute. So, when the next real pants shitting, pandemic comes round, those people will be ripe for the dying. The idea behind the vaccinations and the killing of less desirable people falls back to something called eugenics. It's the idea that less is more. Cut out the "less than ideal" population and the smarter "ideal" people can thrive. Who are the "ideal"? You guessed it...rich people. I think it's great when crazy people are rich and full of moronic ideas. It goes to show that even high up on the monetary chain...there are still complete fucking idiots. So, I don't feel so bad. 

I'd like to go on record as saying, 

"Killing anyone that isn't me is perfectly fine with me."

The Power of Caveman Grilling

      Grilling is an art form. Though, on the surface, it seems like just another way of cooking. How little ye know. Much like painting, procrastination and sculpting with elephant shit, the art is in how it's done. The artistry, I believe, is not in the plethora of tomato/vinegar based, sauce-ilicious pastes you slather on food, but, from the way you create the fire that cooks said...pasty sauced...food. I am a minimalist in this regard. I try to do it with as few charcoal briquettes as possible. I'm working my way down to one. Yesterday, I made a charcoal grill burn hotter than the surface of the sun, starting from six charcoal briquettes. I felt transcendent. Though, I'm surprised I walked away unscathed. At one point, I created a fire ball that licked up the side of the house and could have killed us all. I felt singed with pride...in addition to facial hair. The fire calmed and settled. I gazed into the hellish glow of fiery embers, I pondered. I wonder how many cavemen, burned into fiery heap of screaming, trying to harness the unpredictable, eye brow torching nature of fire.

See how it grows angry when I fart on it? Art, bitches.

      Imagine if you will, you were one of them. Being one of first loin clothed cave dwellers, yearning to burn the world down. You have the flint and the wood, you go to work. After a while, the wood smolders, the first dazzling sparks begin a flame, soon, it will grow to a roar. You build it up. It climbs high. You beam with pride as your fire child flickers toward the heavens. Then, your loin cloth is on fire. At first you don't notice. Boy, my crotch is getting ever warmer, you think. Well, now your junk is scorched. Your screams fill the fire fueled night. Panic informs your, now, erratic motions as you run headlong into your flaming child's awaiting arms. Wrong...move, dumb ass. Caveman crazy, you scramble frantically. Now, your idiot ass is consumed in flames that your startled mind can't fathom escaping, let alone extinguishing. Burning to death your brain grapples with the unwanted epiphany, that this is the clear and final evidence, that you are gravely...gravely stupid. 

Why?! Why did I try to play with the hotness?!

      It must have been a long hard road to where we are now. Fuck, even today people set themselves on fire out of sheer stupidity. It all started with a lot of cave persons burning appendages, charred testicles, smoldering vaginae and burnt dreadlocks. They all had dreadlocks, right? Regardless, they must have lost a lot of dirty fucking cavemen trying to keep fire under control. What a strange time in human history it must have been. All those poor stupid burning cavemen. Grunting and cave...manning. Fucking what? Why do I think about this shit? I don't know. I think it have had something to do with all those asbestos licking contests or mistakenly snorting baby powder instead of cocaine for years. What did I know? Shit...they have the same consistency. Maybe it goes further back. Back to the days of infant Elton. The strained liver and peas gave me brain damage. No? Oh, that's crazy talk is it? Well, how do you know? The infant care industry is crazy! What? Proof? You need proof? Well...fuck you! It's just...evil. Baaaby evil. You know it too. To tell you the truth...there's just something I don't trust, about that mother fucking Gerber baby. It's eerie. 

Look into that kid's eyes and tell me it isn't channeling Satan.