Monday, September 17, 2012

Elton Versus The Scammers: The Diplomat

      I apologize, dear reader. It would seem that in my haste to deliver on my Nigerian scamming delights, I had skipped a bit player in the melodrama. The Diplomat. He is supposed to be bringing the trunks filled with Afghan gold to me! How could I forget right? It's like forgetting to stock razors in Demi Lovato's dressing room. Rookie mistake.


Dear Sir

I am Diplomat Russell Cox the official diplomat to the World Wide
Delivery company here in London UK.

 I will be arriving John F. Kennedy Airport (JFK) New York by 3.00 AM
on Tuesday 10th July, 2012 for the delivery of your
 2 Trunks to your mailing address and I will contact you upon my arrival.

 Kindly on receipt of this email re-confirm to me immediately your
mailing address and your cell telephone number.

 Meanwhile, find enclosed copy of my British Passport for you to
identify me when I arrive your address in USA.
 Please acknowledge Receipt of my passport.

 Dip Russell Cox             
Alternative email   diprussellcox@gmail.com

I, of course, lead what I have convinced myself is a life, so, I didn't answer him right away. So, he sent me a few more emails saying he was at JFK waiting. I guess scamming Nigerians posing as diplomats get a special hotel rate, letting them stay indefinitely. Regardless...he grew impatient as scam folks often do.  


Attn E
1127 Goldleaf Lane
Weehawken, NJ 07087
USA

Dear Sir

I flew into JFK since this Tuesday and notified you about my arrival with your 2 trunks and till this very moment I have not received words from 


you to know where you are as the boxes are still with the custom. I also informed you about my arrival date before I left UK to USA and no 



response from you.


I will be compelled to notify the delivery company in UK and fly the boxes back to UK if I do not receive words from you.

Dip Russell Cox


      My god sir! I apologize immensely for this mis-communication. As it turns out, I had a speaking engagement with a small group of itchy trigger fingered patriots from Milwaukee. They're trying to throw together an organization like me and my boys have, but, want to do it without the liberating use of body grease or nudity. Can you believe it? Bunch of commies.

       It's our god given American right to brandish fire arms without the hindrance of clothing. What did hell did Jesus and Uncle Sam die for if not for that?! I had to drive over in my VW van/love wagon to set them straight. It took a few  days and a lot of "convincing" to get those fellas out of their skivvies, slathered in grease and onto a FIRING RANGE! They eventually saw the light. God bless America sir, god bless it. 

      I hope I'm not too late on this one, Dip. I really want this to come through for this Army fella. Besides, me and my boys have already decided what to do with our share of the money! You ready for this, Dip? Hold on to your hat---underground militia lair/roller derby/fish taco restaurant. 

      It's kind of a combination of all of our ideas. We just decided to stop arguing at one point and that's what was left. Pretty good concept, am I right? You still need my info or are you gonna run 'em on over here? I can't wait to get this thing done with. Let's make this soldier proud to confiscate and then appropriate terror money, son. We can't let him down! THIS ONE'S FOR THE U.S.A.!


Attn E
1127 Goldleaf Lane
Weehawken, NJ 07087 
USA

Dear Sir

Sequel to my last email to you, I flew in to the John F Kennedy (JFK) International Airport this morning with your 2 Trunks.

 I am trying to finalize the paperwork at the office of the Customs Officials and the boarder protection agency and will proceed to your residential Address immediately I conclude with Customs Officials at JFK Airport because they can not open the Trunks due to the Diplomatic Seal 
that was used to bind it.

 I advice you to be at your address and wait for me and always cheek your mail because I will Send you an email once I pick up my clearance to take a connecting flight to address.  Meanwhile, I am going to cheek into a hotel now to take my shower and have my rest and get down to the British embassy to notify them of my arrival before returning back to the Airport later in the day to pick up the clearance and fly down to your address. 

I will also try to take a picture of the Trunks where they are at the JFK when I return back from the embassy for your perusal. 
 I need to hear from you to know where you are before my departure to meet you up at your address.

 Dip Russell Cox

      It's at this point that the FBI somehow gets involved...for no reason that I can discern. Unless, there has been a severe lull in federal crime and they've decided to start arresting stupid people just for being stupid. Alas, the FBI agent enters and I let Dip know about it. Oh, on a side note, the proper abbreviation for diplomat is DPL. A little trivia for your long, lonely porn free nights.


Dear Dip, 
I have received an email from the F.B.I. saying I need to contact the courier of the "trunks". He says that I have to do some things with a form. I'm not sure what that means, so, please email me, immediately. 

My friends and I are trying to get our lair/roller-derby/fish taco franchise off the ground. A huge influx of middle eastern blood money would go a long way to realizing that dream. Please, help!


Attn E
1127 Goldleaf Lane
Weehawken, NJ 07087
USA

Let me see the FBI form you got because I am afraid that the FBI has nohing to do with the trunks and I need to find out if the form is an FBI scam.

I am still here at JFK waiting.

Dip Russell Cox


Dip 
I forwarded the email I got. What should I do? I'm wondering if bribing him is the American thing to do. I was thinking...maybe giving this Woody guy $1000 to "grease the wheels of democracy"...either that or a trailer park hooker I know. She's willing to do just about anything for $6 and a bottle of Shasta. What do you think? Remember...this is for Col. Johnson David! We must act quickly!




Attn E
1127 Goldleaf Lane
Weehawken, NJ 07087
USA

Have you contact the FBI agent as I directed you to do.

I need to hear from you urgently.

Dip  Russell Cox


Dip,
I just replied to him. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get this done. I'm not above giving the guy a bribe, but, I'm not going to have sex with him. That is my limit. I mean, I'm an American, through and through, but, I'm not gonna sit on the man's meat spear for a couple of trunks. Even if they're filled with an implausible amount of gold, know what...I...--you know, I'll keep an open mind as to what exactly needs 
to be done.




      So ends my time with the Diplomat, for now. Eventually, this whirlwind of dumbasses becomes more intense because, up until now, no one has asked me for money. For the uninitiated, Nigerian scams are geared toward getting...money. Whether these particular Nigerians were off cleaning AK47's during the "Introduction To Scamming" class, I'm not sure, but, I'll go along with it. Maybe they are just suckers for poor theatrics or are just genuinely stupid, either way, I'm entertained.  

6 comments:

  1. A lair/roller derby/fish taco business sounds awesome. Also, despite him being a scammer, I did learn something from him: I'm going to start emails with "Sequel to my last email to you".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I enjoyed that phrasing as well. I thought it gave his message an "epic" feel. It also brought to mind every awful sequel ever made. Which is a mixed blessing.

      Delete
  2. This is far too elaborate and bizarre to con people out of their money, surely.

    I also enjoyed his sequel email. It was definitely better than the first. I just hope he doesn't ruin it with a prequel trilogy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was hoping that, somehow, with the power of email, he would conjure some method of time travel that would take us to a time before this email ever occurred. A prequel to the madness. Alas, here I sit...scammed out of my time travel desires.

      Delete
  3. Since he never asked you for money, maybe it wasn't a scam. Maybe he really did have 2 trunks full of gold for you. You could've been rich! What a wasted opportunity!
    I'm glad these guys never contact me. I'm way too trusting, and kind of stupid. I'd probably fall for it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought the same thing for a while. Why wouldn't a complete stranger give me trunks full of precious metals? I deserve it...in some bizarre entitled way! Then, I think to myself, if it sounds too good to be true...it's probably a Nigerian scam.

      Delete

Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.